Michelle’s ‘Hair’-Raising Theory: ‘White Folks’ Stop Blacks From Learning How To Swim

        No, this isn’t a satirical Babylon Bee headline: “‘Black Women Can’t Swim Because of Societal Expectations’: Michelle Obama’s Viral Claim Sparks Controversy.”

        The former first lady, in a live podcast, recently said: “Let me explain something to white people. Our hair comes out of our head naturally in a curly pattern. So, when we’re straightening it to follow your beauty standards, we are trapped by the straightness.

        “That’s why so many of us can’t swim, and we run away from the water. People won’t go to the gym because we’re trying to keep our hair straight for y’all. It is exhausting, and it is so expensive, and it takes up so much time!”

        Who knew that black women straighten their hair to conform to the expectations of whites? Even worse, who knew this oppressive white standard of beauty, according to Obama, has the real-world effect of preventing black kids from learning to swim?

        Now, Obama is partially right. I grew up in then-all-black South Central Los Angeles at a time when virtually every kid in the neighborhood had a mom and a dad in the house. The fathers either taught the kids to swim or expected the kids to learn. The public pool was almost a mile away, and we had no problem walking there and back with a rolled-up towel under our arms with our swimming trunks inside.

        Today, most black kids are raised by their mother or grandmother — and they DO NOT want to get their hair wet. Therefore, the kids aren’t learning to swim. Virtually every neighborhood, no matter how poor, has some sort of recreational center and/or public pool nearby, and there are often swimming lessons available for little or no money.

        It’s just not a priority for the mothers to get their boys to learn to swim. And, like Mom, the girls don’t want to ruin their hair. But I NEVER heard any girl or woman say they straightened their hair to meet expectations of white people.

        As for black kids failing to learn to swim, this is a real issue. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: “Drowning death rates for Black people under age 30 are 1.5 times higher than the rates for White people. Disparities are highest among Black children ages 5-9 (rates 2.6 times higher) and ages 10-14 (rates 3.6 times higher).”

        I received a letter from a self-described “white woman with broom straight hair”: “When I grew up in the late 60’s to mid 60’s, my peers, as well as my mom, wanted curly hair. Mom had her hair permed, maybe every three months. Very few of the girls in my high school had naturally curly hair, so most of them got perms. I was in the first or second grade when Mom started home perming my hair. This continued until I was out of high school.

        “One girl I remember had naturally wavy hair and that wasn’t enough. She got a shag and then frosted her hair. Who knew we were engaging in ‘cultural appropriation’ to make our hair more curly, while blacks, according to Michelle, make their hair more straight?

        “Oh, the humanity!”

        Speaking of straightening hair for white folks and being “trapped by the straightness,” one wonders whether Obama discussed this with her friend, “civil rights activist” Al “no justice, no peace” Sharpton, who has long straightened his hair.

        Permit me to suggest a matter perhaps more deserving of her attention than hair oppression? In Obama’s hometown of Chicago, there are at least 30 public schools, nearly all located in the mostly black Southwest Side of the city, where 0% of the kids can read or do math at grade level. The study failed to note how many kids in these failing schools straighten their hair.

        Finally, Obama had another complaint. At a forum with mostly white attendees, Obama, in response to a question about the possibility of a female president, said: “As we saw in this past election, sadly, we ain’t ready. That’s why I’m like, don’t even look at me about running ’cause you are all lying. You’re not ready for a woman.”

        Only in America do white liberals pay good money to enrich and hear America’s first black first lady tell them that their “racism” oppresses black ladies.

        Larry Elder is a bestselling author and nationally syndicated radio talk-show host. To find out more about Larry Elder, or become an “Elderado,” visit www.LarryElder.com. Follow Larry on X @larryelder. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.

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