Backseat grillmeisters are the absolute worst and other petty complaints about BBQing

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time to slather on some sunscreen and get ready for some warm-weather whining in an all-new edition of The Gripe Report!

We’re just days away from Memorial Day — the unofficial start of summer — but, as I mentioned in Tuesday’s edition of Nightcaps, it should really just be accepted as the official start of summer.

Because while not everyone lives in a part of the country where the weather is nice enough to BBQ all year long, it may be the first time you dust off the grill, smoker, or flat-top for the year.

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I don’t care what science says; that is the start of summer.

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So, we’re talking BBQ this week, and as great as it is, there is still plenty to gripe about.

Time

Good BBQ takes time, and that can be one of the biggest pains in the ass about it.

There’s just no way around it: if you want to smoke a brisket or a pork shoulder, clear your schedule.

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Sure, with the advent of pellet smokers and Bluetooth thermometers, you can be untethered from your smoker to some degree, but you’re still going to need to do some degree of babysitting.

This is a real pain when your wife says something to the effect of, “Everyone is coming over for lunch at 1,” at which point you do some mental meat math about how the pork butt you’re going to smoke will probably take eight to 10 hours and then needs another hour to sit.

Well, set that alarm.

But here’s the thing: while I just complained about how long BBQing takes, that’s one of the things that makes it great. I love getting up while it’s still dark, firing up the grill, and watching it while I drink coffee for the first few hours.

That’s honestly part of the experience, and what an experience!

Bad BBQ

I’m not much of a BBQ snob. I’m not like, “You have to do X for it to be real BBQ,” or “The only BBQ that will enter my piehole has to have Y.”

All I ask is that it’s good.

I know that’s subjective, but there’s nothing worse than bad BBQ, and that’s because of the letdown that comes with it.

If someone says, “Hey, let’s go to this BBQ place I know of,” you’re already drooling on yourself thinking of putting yourself into a voluntary, brisket-fueled food coma.

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But then you go and find it’s kind of meh, and then you’re upset that you just got BBQ cucked.

It’s happened to me, and it sucks, so be wary.

Guy who considers all BBQ trash if it’s not from the city he grew up/lives in

Speaking of snobs, I’m not a fan of the guys who insist that all BBQ is s–t unless it comes from within the city limits of where they grew up or currently live.

It’s like a guy who says he likes one kind of music and only listens to it.

I like rock too, but you’re missing out by not dipping into blues, jazz, classical, hip-hop, etc.

That’s BBQ to me. Kansas City style is great. Texas style is great. The Carolinas have great BBQ. Alabama white sauce is good. The modern version of BBQ can be really great.

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It’s okay to have a preference; that’s natural. What I’m asking is that you not rip a deuce on other styles of BBQ just because they’re not the one from your hometown.

No one is going to banish you from Texas if you admit that Carolina BBQ is good.

You will not be drawn and quartered by folks in Kansas City if you say you prefer a simple dry rub to something slathered in sauce.

Actually, they might…

Your Inner Critic

One of my biggest problems with BBQ is myself.

As is the case with anything I do, I am my worst critic, and boy, has that ruined a meal or two for me and others.

I’m not saying I did anything crazy, but I have brought the mood down like a hockey player who just deflected a game-winning goal into his own net.

“Yeah, y’know, just really disappointed. I feel like I let everyone down tonight. We’ll just have to regroup, come back, and execute better next time…“

I just hate putting in the time to make something and have it suck. I remember one time I made some pork belly burnt ends that weren’t inedible, but not to my liking. That ruined them even more because I just sat there thinking about how I should’ve done something differently.

Well, there’s always next time… unless you screw up so bad that you make everyone sick, in which case you should probably stop.

Guy who offers his sage BBQing wisdom

It’s almost a cliché at this point, but whenever there’s a cookout, dudes are drawn to the grill or the smoker like a moth is drawn to a porch light.

I feel like most of the time, they’re just there to spectate (and silently judge), but occasionally, you get a guy who feels the need to start dictating what the grillmeister is supposed to do.

Flip this. Turn that. Move this. Stab that with a fork. Don’t stab that with a fork.

Everyone has their own way of doing things on the grill, and as long as you get a good result, who cares?

Now this isn’t to say I’m not looking for tips on how to get better. I’m always looking for them.

That’s how you unlock the secrets to great BBQ. I was once told to use mayo as a binder when I smoke a turkey breast, and — what do you know? — it’s great.

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But when someone is in the midst of grilling up some burgers or bratwursts, that’s not the time to start spitting some knowledge.

…

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That’s all for this smoky, saucy edition of The Gripe Report!

Feel free to send in your gripes for the next one: [email protected]