Coffee is for closers; ‘artisanal’ coffee is for self-hating libs

I’m one of those people who likes to write in cafés. I like the atmosphere. And the people. And the smell of espresso machines.

Recently I was walking in a newly developed area of my hometown (Portland) and discovered a new coffee place.

I ordered the house-blend coffee. I took it to the cream-and-sugar counter and poured a little milk into it. Much to my horror, the milk curdled instantly.

It looked like an excellent writing spot. There were solid tables and comfortable chairs and a window you could look out when you weren’t typing.

That smell

But then I went to the counter, where I recognized the distinct smell of a certain kind of Pacific Northwest coffee.

It’s the smell of artisanal roasting, done on the premises. Or in some cases, a small roaster nearby who provides the café with elaborately packaged organic, roaster-to-retail, artisanal coffee beans.

In other words: left-wing coffee.

That’s right: left-wing coffee. In case you haven’t noticed, there’s now left-wing and right-wing coffee. And as you’d expect, left-wing coffee is terrible.

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Stumptown

The best example of left-wing coffee is Portland’s own Stumptown brand. Stumptown has spread all across the world and at one point was widely advertised as Alaska Airline’s exclusive in-flight brand.

And what does Stumptown taste like? It tastes like someone poured a little orange juice into your coffee. Or some other acidic, citrusy liquid. This gives it a weird, tangy taste initially. And then a bitter, sour aftertaste.

The important thing is: It’s bad. It tastes bad. But that isn’t surprising. That’s what the left does. It takes good things and makes them bad. Movies? Architecture? Your local library? The left can ruin almost anything.

Now you might say: But all artisanal coffee doesn’t taste the same! Ah, but it does! Even though each individual coffee roaster handcrafts his coffee in his own unique fashion, somehow, by some strange process, all the artisanal coffee tastes remarkably similar and equally awful.

Coffee curdle

My favorite experience to relate about left-wing coffee came when I visited a popular Portland café with a friend.

I’d been there many times, so I knew the coffee there was artisanally roasted and therefore barely drinkable. But the café was buzzing with people, and my friend liked it, and there were good seats available for people-watching. So here we were.

I ordered the house-blend coffee. I took it to the cream-and-sugar counter and poured a little milk into it. Much to my horror, the milk curdled instantly.

Alarmed, I took my cup back to the counter and explained to the barista guy (with a man bun) what had happened. He shrugged. “Yeah, it does that sometimes; it’s the acid in the coffee.”

I said, “Why is there acid in the coffee?”

“It’s just the type of bean,” he said. “Sorry about that. Maybe don’t put milk in it?”

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The reason these artisanal-roasted coffees are left-wing is because left-wing people drink it. And serve it. And roast it. And brag about it.

It is a trend that began in coastal cities during the “locally sourced,” “farm-to-table” craze. It continues to exist to this day in college towns and other progressive strongholds in the rest of the country.

Leftists always want to change things. Especially things that people already like. They changed sports (they added gambling). They changed sex (they added pornography). They changed marriage (they added no-fault divorce).

So now they changed coffee by adding citrusy, floral, nutmeg-flavored, acidic, rainforest-protecting coffee beans that taste bad.

But that’s what they do. Bad is good to leftists.

RELATED: Corporate America turned coffee shops into cubicles. A more human cafe culture is fighting back.

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Where the girls are

A couple years ago, I met a young Texan living in Warsaw, Poland, who agreed with my assessment of the leftist coffee problem but insisted it was still worth it to patronize “artisanal roaster” cafés because those were the best places to meet trendy girls. He said this was the case all over Europe.

And he was right. Everywhere I went on that trip, I googled “artisanal roasters” to find cafés. And sure enough, that’s where the hipsters were, the trendoids, the pretentious expats, the people wearing “statement glasses.”

This is also the case in L.A., San Francisco, New York, Seattle, and all the other leftist strongholds. Which reveals an obvious truth: that most hipsters, most trendsetters, most influencers are, at heart, brainless conformists.

If everyone else is drinking the terrible coffee, they’ll drink it too.

Take the ‘hints’ — please

So if Stumptown is left-wing, what coffee is right-wing?

I would say that any coffee that tastes like coffee is right-wing. Especially if it’s good. Like McDonald’s, Dunkin’ Donuts, Tim Hortons, Peet’s, or Starbucks.

If it doesn’t have words like “ethical” or “fair trade” or “locally sourced” and doesn’t have “hints” of lavender blossoms or “notes” of Scandinavian pine cones, it is probably right-wing.

If there are no drawings on the package of impoverished indigenous South American folks, suffering under the yoke of American capitalism, it is probably right-wing.

If the most descriptive thing it says on the packaging is “100% Arabica coffee,” it is probably right-wing, and it probably won’t curdle your milk.

Good to the last drop

My own favorite coffee shop in Portland is a quiet student café near Portland State University. It is an outlier in its coffee selection. It only serves ILLY brand coffee.

The ILLY company started in 1933. The original founder also invented this little thing called the ESPRESSO MACHINE. So I would guess he knew what he was doing.

Three generations later, ILLY is still one of the most loved and respected coffee companies in the world.

And guess what? ILLY doesn’t taste like anything except coffee. And it is delicious.

It is so good, I don’t even buy it to make at home. Because I don’t want to get used to it. I prefer to visit that one particular café once or twice a week to luxuriate in the perfect cup of coffee.

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The good news is, nobody is talking about Stumptown coffee anymore. Alaska Airlines has come to its senses and returned to ordinary coffee for in-flight customers.

And I’m guessing that even the trendiest young people will eventually abandon bad coffee. They have taste buds too.

But of course, leftists will continue to seek out new areas of Americana to mess with. Get ready for equitable corn flakes, nonbinary toothpaste, rainbow-infused gasoline for your car. At this point, I wouldn’t put anything past them.