With the NFL Draft set for Thursday, it’s the perfect time to ask: What if we drafted politicians instead of players? Let’s go!
Welcome to the 2025 U.S. Politician Draft, where Republicans and Democrats roll into the arena hoping to rebuild for seasons to come.
Some are calling this the most lopsided deal since the Colts traded John Elway for a bag of footballs and a guy named Bob.
A big thank you to tonight’s sponsors: Tunnels to Towers, Balance of Nature, and My Pillow — three great companies that, unlike Congress, deliver results.
The Republicans are on the clock
With the first overall pick, the GOP selects Donald J. Trump.
After a few seasons off the field — and away from Twitter — Trump returns to the draft in miraculous shape. His personal physician called him “the healthiest player in the history of modern sport.” No drug test necessary.
Trump remains the only player in the league who audibles before the snap, calls a completely different play mid-huddle, and still somehow scores — while the defense tears itself apart yelling at each other on MSNBC.
Financial upside? Huge. If the team goes bankrupt, Trump just buys it. He’s also promised to play for free, though some say the locker room minibar may take a hit.
Critics say he’s not coachable. Trump disagrees: “I know the playbook better than the coaches. Frankly, I wrote the playbook. I am the playbook.”
He guarantees four straight championships — plus a fifth if the league lets him contest the fourth.
Democrats are up next
With pick number two, they select Gavin Newsom.
He looks the part. Photogenic, polished, and press-conference-ready — even when his team loses by 40, he convinces fans that the scoreboard was hacked.
Newsom’s draft stock rose after he pledged to donate his signing bonus so fans could get free concessions and merch. But analysts warn he’s a high-risk pick. Late-game drives? He panics. Crisis management? He disappears. His turf demands? “I’ll only play on artificial grass — I don’t like getting dirty.”
Originally drafted as a quarterback, Newsom has struggled. Scouts note he throws everything to the far left — often out of bounds. If he can’t adjust, the team will switch him to punter, where he already excels at kicking responsibility downfield.
The mid-draft sentimental pick
With pick 199, the GOP selects JD Vance, hoping for a Tom Brady-style miracle.
Vance enters the league late. He didn’t even start playing until recently. But he brings grit, a lunch pail, and a dramatic pivot to the Trump playbook that showed elite flexibility. He once tackled Trump in print — now he blocks for him in prime time. And he didn’t even pull a hamstring during the flip.
Republicans say he’ll back up Trump for four years, unless he gets traded to Fox News first.
Now for the blockbuster trade
In a shocking move, the GOP trades aging locker-room distractions Mitt Romney and Liz Cheney to the Democrats in exchange for Elon Musk and Tulsi Gabbard. Some are calling it the most lopsided deal since the Colts traded John Elway for a bag of footballs and a guy named Bob.
As a bonus, the Democrats throw in RFK Jr.’s free-agent rights, though insiders suspect that was more of a liability dump.
The final pick: Mr. Irrelevant
With the last selection, the Democrats take Tim Walz — a high school assistant football coach turned political long shot. Walz hyped himself as the toughest guy in the draft, but fell hard after investigators revealed he exaggerated his college stats and padded his practice reps.
He claims he’s ready to lead, but even his huddle thinks he’s more clipboard than quarterback.
One name, however, never gets called.
Pete Buttigieg, who expected his middle-school junior varsity experience to carry him through the draft, watched the board in disbelief. His old coach didn’t help, saying, “Pete took off half the season — and no one noticed.”
As it turns out, “transportation” isn’t a position.
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