A Drunk American Raccoon Has More Charm Than a Dumb British Prince

Since I’ve spent the better part of the day cracking on the British for being the insufferable authoritarian mah-roons they are, it only seems appropriate that while looking for something to write about for this last post, who should slide into my X timeline but the dumbest bunny of them all.

In a veritable fest of unpleasant, off-putting, and arguably unintellectual people, Prince Hairyless was featured in a short, cringy snippet from his appearance on Stephen Colbert’s doomed broadcast.

The two talentless hacks engaged in a bitter, stilted version of an old Carson-style dialogue without the wit, charm, or sly intelligence that made those obviously scripted little moments with guests sparkle.

ICK

Prince Harry wades into U.S. politics with an appearance on Colbert

The Duke of Sussex teases Americans for their interest in the British Royal Family. Colbert pushes back, “I wouldn’t say we’re obsessed with royalty.”

“Really?” Harry replies. “I heard you elected a king.”… pic.twitter.com/EtBeOav9Gm

— Breitbart News (@BreitbartNews) December 4, 2025

...“Really?” Harry replies. “I heard you elected a king.” 

Later on, he suggests Colbert was canceled because he didn’t “settle a baseless lawsuit with the White House”

A balding, needy, homeless, not-so-bright wastrel.

Yeah. That shrieks ‘Hallmark Prince.’

…The segment was based on the concept Harry, resident of Montecito, California,  might want to become a “Hallmark Prince” by starring in a Christmas movie, Newsweek notes.

Harry retorted: “I’ll do anything. I’ll record a self-tape, I’ll fly myself to an audition, settle a baseless lawsuit with the White House, all the things you people in TV do.”

Though I will admit, Meghan makes an excellent evil step-mother. Born for the part, although most of those famous evil queens were wickedly self-sufficient.

It just goes to show you that progressives really have no natural funny bone and no concept of time or place. The last thing Hairyless should be doing is mocking the only home he hasn’t been thrown out of yet, and that’s only by the grace of the autopen allowing his worthless, dope-smoking royal tuchus to stay.

You know what’s more appealing than a washed-up Windsor whining through a scripted joke set with an elf-eared soyman who’s on terminal leave before unemployment strikes?

A drunk raccoon.

A by-God, all-American Procyon lotor propelling itself around a liquor establishment – a state-owned liquor store, no less – like it owned the place and sampling wares as if he were a French-trained sommelier.

You can see him carefully perusing labels before he makes his selection for the tasting menu.

So who’s to say he wasn’t?

A small, furry “suspect” reportedly broke into a Hanover ABC store and ransacked several shelves over the weekend, after which he was found passed out on the bathroom floor.

According to a social media post by Hanover County Animal Protection and Shelter, on the morning of Saturday, Nov. 29, Officer Martin responded to an “unusual call” at the ABC store in the town of Ashland.

When the officer arrived, she found that a raccoon had broken into the store, ransacked several shelves, become intoxicated, and then passed out in the bathroom.

In fact, the Animal Communications Director at The Virgina Distillery is proudly trumpeting their association with this discriminating consumer of their fine beverages.

Well played, gentlemen. Always be first.

No one wants to associate with Dumb Prince Hairyless. This raccoon, however?

He’s GOLDEN. A natural.

The little masked, light-fingered swiller probably should have hit a trash can or two before breaking in, though, because all that good hootch on an empty stomach – well, most of us have been there a time or two…or ten.

The thing of it is, if raccoons are intelligent enough to wash their food and their hands before they eat, you can count on them knowing what to do if they feel a little tipsy. For one, that surely means leaving the keys on the store counter and finding the best place for a nap.

So he did.

I have no doubt a fair number of us have worshipped the porcelain god at some point in our lives, or at least been smart enough to preposition just in case.

It’s another sign of an active intelligence, unlike marrying Meghan Markle.

This raccoon would never make that mistake, so off he went to find a safe space to crash.

🍻 A drunken raccoon has been found passed out at the scene of a “break-in” at an off-licence in the US.

He had no injuries “other than maybe a hangover and poor life choices”.

Read the full story: https://t.co/DwXaHueAYN pic.twitter.com/htNmnOpH0K

— The Telegraph (@Telegraph) December 3, 2025

The police scooped the little inert form up as gently as they could, and took the napster to a local wildlife shelter where he was allowed to sleep it off. They released him, wobbly but no worse for wear that next morning.

Hanover County Animal Protection officials have started selling ‘Trashed Panda‘ t-shirts, but there’s no word from the raccoon if he’s approved the use of his image for commercial purposes.

And, in the spirit of my Marine Corps brotherhood, I can neither confirm nor deny the rumors that are flying about the raccoon’s future other than to say this is an Army captain running his mouth and he’s just jealous.

Rumor has it he has enlisted in the Marine Corps https://t.co/xXQ6Vkjzqf

— Happy Captain (@EODHappyCaptain) December 3, 2025

It wouldn’t be right to give away secrets. He looks like our kind of guy.

Slàinte mhath!

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