A Fitting Last Act for the Cannibal King and His Coconut Queen

There was a song we used to sing when we were little tykes in elementary school (and always at Junior Girl Scout campouts). It was a sing-song little number about a cannibal king courting his sweetheart. I am kind of tickled to see that, even decades and decades later, it’s not considered so politically incorrect that it can’t be listed on a YMCA camp’s songlist. The melody is so bouncy, and the lyrics are so idiotically simple that everyone learns them in a trice. 

They then spend the rest of the evening going BAH-DOOMP, rather than straightforward answering questions or when you’re doomed to lose the belching contest, as, alas, I always did.

I never once thought that the little ditty of my childhood would spring to mind thanks to a president and vice-president of the United States. 

But here we are, or at least I am.

BAH-DOOMP

For four years, this great country has been subjected to the excruciating humiliation of watching this complete farce of a presidency come close to not only destroying our Republic itself but damn near the world.

And there was nothing – NOTHING – we could do about it while God knows who pulled the geriatric sack of carbon’s strings, ran his X-feed, wrote the White House press releases and edicts that poured forth, and ruled by Executive Order fiat when stymied by the occasional burp in the legislative or legal branch.

Who the HELL HAS BEEN RUNNING THE COUNTRY?

All the while, we were treated to fleeting glimpses and sound bites from the serial fabulist who wore the titular crown and occupied the official residence two or three days a week. As if to assure us the desiccated corpse clomping determinedly across the White House grass to get to Rehoboth by noon was sharp as a tack, all stories of his uncle being eaten by New Guinean cannibals to the contrary.

The Cannibal King, his two functioning brain cells, and whoever the devious, shady eunuchs were behind the curtain have been sitting on a throne of lies and damned lies.

And doesn’t every king have a consort?

Ours does…and lucky us, twice.

Granted, they’re almost always arranged marriages of convenience and political advantage for one side or the other, these things. Some consorts are mere window-dressing, and some are royal Eleanor of Aquitaine-level pains in the ass. Some become partners in ruling as they are partners in life, being of equal stature in intelligence and courage.

Some, like Massagetae Queen Tomyris (my spirit animal) become legends in their own right when thrown epic challenges.

And…alas. 

Some are coconuts.

I’m going to post a video of Kamala Harris and her moronic takes every day until the election.

This is her famous “coconut tree” speech from 2023. pic.twitter.com/Ur32WLtB64

— Sarah Fields (@SarahisCensored) July 28, 2024

BAH-DOOMP

I feel as if I cannot hold my breath a second longer in the worry about reaching the 20th of January with Donald Trump intact.

But then I expel it regularly in fits of swearing so thick the air turns blue and sucks the oxygen from the room – the cats and dog crawling out along the floorboards gasping for breath because Mom has seen something else the Cannibal King has done with an arbitrary wave of his femur wand in the frenzy associated ‘leaving.’

The Coconut Queen, when she can be found (which isn’t often), giggles vapidly in support.

Student loans gone, hordes of criminals of all stripes commuted and forgiven, etc., etc. etc.

    

VERY WELL, YOUR MAJESTY

The presidential theater went too far today, and even if it was one of the few undeveloped testicles, Jake Sullivan-like drones left working the social media accounts on the White House X feed before they all get booted back to the Mordor, the kiddies crossed the line with this one.

Today I’m affirming what I have long believed and what three-fourths of the states have ratified:

The 28th Amendment is the law of the land, guaranteeing all Americans equal rights and protections under the law regardless of their sex. pic.twitter.com/oZtS6Q89zG

— President Biden (@POTUS) January 17, 2025

Ed, in his masterful summation of the obvious illegality involved in waving femurs at Constitutional Amendments, was kind enough to link to my NSFW X reaction where I…let me paraphrase here…’pithily’ expressed my opinion that I was over my objection to a Harris presidency. 25th the old sumbitch, I said, and make her president for 3 days. Get him and the puppet masters the HELL out of our house.

Ed ruined even that short-lived remedy for me. Don’t you know the Coconut Queen piped up?

THEY’RE KILLING ME HERE.

I give up

MAKE MIKE JOHNSON PRESIDENT

— tree hugging s*ster 🎃 (@WelbornBeege) January 17, 2025

BAH-DOOMP

This was so outside the pale that even the National Archivist, whose job seemed to be to protect POTATUS and screw Donald Trump at every opportunity, threw the ‘nyet’ flag.

Joe Biden tells one last lie and gets community noted:

The Archivist of the United States, charged with officially publishing ratified amendments, has confirmed that the ERA was not ratified and based that analysis on binding legal precedent.

There is no 28th Amendment.… https://t.co/VbhsSyP5hh

— Aaron 🏃🏼‍♂️✨ (@prattaaron) January 17, 2025

Amazingly, there was also no mention of this little brouhaha on the CBS Evening News tonight.

BAH-DOOMP

This has been the most evil, despicable, mendacious, un-American, duplicitous, authoritarian, fraudulent, ignorant, and flat-out unintelligent group of thieves to ever occupy positions of power across the board in my lifetime. Perhaps ever in the history of this country, the rot is so deep and the perfidy so uniform across the breadth of government and media.

The two sad sacks wearing the Cannibal and Coconut crowns are playing their last scenes in this really bad movie.

I can only thank God – ON MY KNEES – that the stars have aligned in such a way that people’s eyes were opened in enough time to save us.

Donald Trump isn’t perfect. 

But Donald Trump sure as hell isn’t them, and if anyone can pull us out of the hole these two third-rate buffoons have allowed to be dug for us, it will be that man.

If anyone will work to his last breath to do it and do to the best of his ability for the people in this country, it will be that man.

God. The whole thing exercise makes me ill with loathing. 

The only thing saving me is Monday.

BAH-DOOMP

Two days and a wake-up.