Hamas Agrees to Unconditional Surrender if Europe Takes Greta Thunberg Back [SATIRE]

In a stunning geopolitical development that has both baffled diplomats and delighted late-night comedians, Hamas announced on Tuesday that it would agree to an unconditional surrender — but only if Europe agrees to take back climate activist Greta Thunberg.

Standing before a sea of microphones in a crumbling bunker somewhere in Gaza, Hamas spokesperson Abdul al-Fareek read a brief but dramatic statement: “After years of resistance, countless negotiations, and much suffering, we have finally reached our limit.”

He continued, “We are prepared to lay down our arms. But only — and we emphasize only — if Europe agrees to repatriate Greta Thunberg immediately and promises to never send her back.”

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The announcement came after Thunberg’s recent surprise visit to Gaza as part of her “Boats Not Bombs” campaign, in which she attempted to draw attention to climate injustice by paddling a kayak into a war zone.

Armed with a bullhorn, a recycled hemp banner, and an unwavering expression of moral superiority, Thunberg set up a solar-powered protest camp just outside a Hamas weapons depot, demanding “climate accountability” from all parties — particularly the ones launching rockets.

Eyewitnesses say Thunberg’s passionate speeches about rising sea levels, plastic straw bans, and the unethical farming of avocados quickly became too much for the militant group.

“She showed up uninvited and within hours had us all sorting our garbage into compostable and non-compostable piles,” said one visibly shaken Hamas commander.

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“We were in the middle of building a tunnel and she just showed up yelling about carbon emissions and microplastics. It was chaos. We can’t operate like this.”

Even more disruptive, according to insiders, was Thunberg’s insistence on holding daily sit-ins and “climate consciousness circles,” in which members of Hamas were asked to share their feelings about fossil fuel dependency and write poems about endangered tree frogs.

One source claims the group’s top bomb-maker broke down in tears during a guided meditation exercise and is now considering a career in aromatherapy.

U.N. officials were caught off guard by the announcement.

“We had been expecting months of intense negotiations, third-party mediation, and likely another six Security Council meetings,” said Special Envoy Pierre LeClerc.

“We were not expecting a 22-year-old Swedish climate activist to walk in, scold everyone, and bring about peace through the sheer power of guilt and vegan sandwiches.”

European leaders, however, are less enthusiastic about the prospect of Thunberg’s return.

“We are currently reviewing the request,” said French President Emmanuel Macron, carefully choosing his words. “While we support Ms. Thunberg’s passion and her advocacy for the environment, we must also consider… national morale.”

British Prime Minister Hugh McDougal was more blunt: “We just got our pub culture back to pre-Greta levels of plastic straw enjoyment. Taking her back now would set us back a decade.”

The European Union has reportedly offered to take partial custody of Thunberg under a new “Climate Quarantine” program, in which activists are confined to designated eco-zones far from major population centers.

Germany, which initially supported the plan, withdrew after realizing that Thunberg’s vegan dietary demands would bankrupt the national cheese industry.

Meanwhile, in Gaza, the atmosphere has shifted dramatically. “It’s peaceful now,” said one Hamas fighter-turned-yoga instructor.

“The AK-47s have been replaced with reusable bamboo water bottles. We had no idea it would be so easy to surrender. We just needed someone more annoying than the Israelis.”

Thunberg, for her part, remains unfazed by the controversy.

“It’s not about me,” she told reporters via solar-powered satellite phone.

“It’s about the planet. And if annoying everyone on Earth is what it takes to save it, then I will continue to do so. How dare you suggest otherwise.”

Back in Europe, public protests have erupted both in favor of and against accepting Thunberg back.

Climate activists have organized “Welcome Greta” flash mobs in major cities, while counter-demonstrators have begun hoarding plastic straws and printing t-shirts that read, “Keep Gaza Greta.”

As for Hamas, their next steps remain unclear.

Negotiators are reportedly drafting a peace agreement written on upcycled papyrus, to be signed using biodegradable ink made from pomegranate skins.

Sources close to the situation suggest that once Thunberg departs, they may consider rebranding entirely — possibly as an eco-conscious arts collective or a mindfulness retreat center.

Only time will tell whether the world is truly ready for peace.

But for now, one thing is certain: in the age of climate diplomacy, never underestimate the disarming power of recycled rage.

And if you haven’t figured out that this article is entirely satire just just yet, it is. Hope you got a good laugh, please share!!

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