Shut Up, Michelle

I’ve never understood the mystique of Michelle Obama.  

Sure, a lot of people fell in love with Barack, and Michelle was part of the deal, I suppose. 

But really, only a few First Ladies have had outsized enough personalities to merit much attention beyond the fashion pages, if they even belong there. Hillary Clinton, of course, was a notable figure in her own right, as was Eleanor Roosevelt. Nancy Reagan was famously influential with Ronald, but she was mostly interesting because she was already part of the glitterati. 

Conservatives pretend to care about Melania, but aside from being a former model and still a beautiful woman, nobody is particularly interested in what she thinks, and she is more seen than heard. 

Michelle, though, gets an enormous amount of attention despite being uninteresting, rather sour, of middling looks (no, she is not a man), and…quite the whiner. 

Michelle Obama keeps popping up as a potential presidential candidate, yet every time she speaks, she alternates between being an absolute bore and really off-putting. 

MICHELLE OBAMA: $70 Million Net Worth, Yet Still Plays The “OPPRESSED Victim”!

Martha’s Vineyard mansion ✅
Hawaii beach estate ✅
$50M Netflix deals ✅
Private jets on repeat ✅

But America is “racist” and she’s “traumatized” by… hair straighteners?
OK.
Michelle, you’re… pic.twitter.com/6KfDNl8ZXe

— Tosca Austen (@ToscaAusten) November 16, 2025

In her podcast, she has, in the most boring and off-putting way possible, trashed her husband quite a bit. We get the fact that she really isn’t that fond of him, but we don’t even get the satisfaction of tell-all stories that would pique our interest even a little bit. 

And now she is complaining that she is forced to straighten her hair because of white beauty standards. 

It’s not clear why she has no autonomy in such matters. There is nobody to force her to straighten her hair as far as I know. 

Michelle Obama:

“Don’t even look at me about running, because you all are lying. You’re not ready for a woman. So don’t waste my time. We got a lot of growing up to do.”

pic.twitter.com/9ckISDD7xw

— Spencer Hakimian (@SpencerHakimian) November 15, 2025

America is apparently not mature enough for Michelle Obama. Perhaps she, like Stacey Abrams, is waiting for the position of President of Earth to open up. By then, we may be ready for her kinky hair. 

Now some wag—not me, surely—might suggest that concerns about what people will think about curly hair being so mentally disturbing that it shapes one’s worldview is not a sign of maturity. It might even suggest an inability to make bold decisions that some people might dislike, which happens to be a job requirement for the presidency. 

Michelle Obama says life in the White House wasn’t as glamorous as it seemed—she had to cover her own food costs and daily expenses.

She shared the financial challenges her family experienced, noting that many expenses—like travel—weren’t covered if the President wasn’t… pic.twitter.com/Elel71Dm8d

— Shadow of Ezra (@ShadowofEzra) May 3, 2025

Donald Trump famously pays close attention to what people say about his hair and his looks, and is clearly paralyzed by the idea that some people think his hair is bizarre and his bronzer is a bit too much, so I shouldn’t complain that Michelle Obama finds her fantasy boogiemen itching to bitch about her oppressive. 

Michelle Obama explains that having a team of three people taking care of her hair and makeup and clothing was a necessity, not a luxury, because she—like the vast majority of women—can’t be seen in public without tailored clothes.

Who paid for this lifestyle?

“I know having a… pic.twitter.com/Md6qmtcH55

— Laura Powell (@LauraPowellEsq) November 8, 2025

It really is amazing how the intersectional oppression olympics works. In any rational universe, Michelle Obama would be considered one of the most privileged people who ever lived on earth. She is very wealthy, powerful, feted wherever she goes, is constantly talked about as if she were a demigod, and yet she is, in her own and her followers’ eyes, horrifically oppressed because she must coexist with white people. 

White people who live much less privileged lives. 

Now that Michelle Obama has finished lecturing America about evil, rich white people at the DNC. It’s back to her $20 million dollar mansion in the lily-white Hamptons pic.twitter.com/s2so9zrG7x

— Vince Langman (@LangmanVince) August 21, 2024

The horror of having tailored clothes! Of having to get on every major magazine cover. Of having Netflix throw $50 million at you for…apparently next to nothing. 

Sorry, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear it from her, her followers, the media, or anybody else. 

I’m sure her life has been imperfect, and that she has paid a price for what she has acquired. 

Newsflash: this is true of literally EVERYBODY. 

Shut up, Michelle. And go away. 

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