UK Now Banning Teenage Mutant Ninja Jihadis

Knives being stabby are a big problem in the United Kingdom. 

Not the people wielding them, you see, but the knives themselves.

It wasn’t long ago that Idris Elba, distinguished British actor that he is, was doing public service appearances. 

He mournfully spent his time vilifying the stabbiness of knives – particularly that most dangerous of all, the ‘kitchen’ variety – advocating for a ban on the lethal implements.

Idris Elba echoes the British intelligentsia in his calls to ban kitchen knives to stop knife crime. pic.twitter.com/QRysLfcg7f

— Catch Up (@CatchUpFeed) January 30, 2025

Since they couldn’t go into every granny’s kitchen and yank her worn chef’s knife from her frozen fingers, the government clamped down on the perpetrator behind the rising knife-stabbiness epidemic sweeping the UK:

Amazon.com

So the problem isn’t the British police & CPS failing to do anything about a boy caught carrying a knife more than 10 times. The problem is Amazon selling cutlery.

— Offence Police (@OffencePolice) January 21, 2025

Knife crime in the UK has risen sharply over the past few years in spite of all the British government’s efforts to ban this, or restrict online cutlery orders that.

The number of knife or sharp instrument offences recorded by the police in London rose to approximately 15,016 in 2023/24, compared with 12,786 in the previous year. This was the highest number of knife crime offences reported in London since 2019/20, when there were 15,928 offences. Between 2015/16 and 2019/20, knife crime in London increased yearly, with a particularly large increase occurring between 2016/16 and 2017/18. 

A Wider Trend

The increase in knife crime witnessed in London has occurred alongside a general increase in overall crime throughout England and Wales. In 2022/23, there were approximately 6.74 million crime offences across England and Wales, compared with just over four million ten years earlier. During a similar time period, the number of knife homicides also increased, and reached 282 in 2021/22, compared with 186 in 2014/15. Due to strict gun laws in the United Kingdom, firearms are rarely used to commit homicides, with knives or other sharp instruments being used in over 41.4 percent of homicides in 2022/23.

Decades ago, stabbiness wasn’t a problem in Britain and knives were common.

Killer British hunting knives of the 1950s, when knife crime was incredibly rare.

What changed? pic.twitter.com/v5ZRMFapYW

— David (@merrieenglander) March 29, 2025

Really – what changed?

The culture, for one.

Import the third world, become the third world. Machete fights are now a common activity in London. Some say it’s become their favorite pastime after football. pic.twitter.com/108qtHyyX0

— Ian Miles Cheong (@stillgray) October 15, 2024

It’s affecting everything.

Today, a group of immigrants stabbed a man in the neck with a machete in London

The same group then stabbed 2 more people at random.

16 stabbings and shootings were reported in London in 5 days. pic.twitter.com/HvsAvl4O2a

— Tammy (@Tammy67119) May 4, 2025

They have a problem with ‘youths’ being unafraid to be seen swinging bladed weapons.

At Elm Park Primary School, Havering, East London 50 youths descend on a teenager’s party armed with knives & machetes at 9.00pm.

The brawl lasted for two hours, with two people stabbed & the police attacked.

Three were arrested for assaulting an emergency worker. pic.twitter.com/cDtfjk25hK

— David Atherton (@DaveAtherton20) March 24, 2025

Instead of cracking down on those waving the machetes as they walk into shops or the train station, or chase someone from a gas station, the government, in its infinite wisdom, is imprisoning people for thought crimes or mean Xweets. 

It is, of course, desperately searching for something – anything else it can blame and ban to try to stop the stabbiness.

Again, instead of punishing those doing the stabbing.

And, eureka, Starmer’s buffoons have found it.

This will solve all Labour’s violent knife crime problems – lay down your ninja sword.

Ninja sword owners offered £5 compensation to hand in blades.https://t.co/sYIsAitd5Z

— Lotus Eaters News (@lotuseatersnews) May 21, 2025

Turn in your katana and get your measly £5 compensation. If you have the receipt, you might be able to swing a little more.

If you have no intention of surrendering your sword, you’d best make plans to join that mother who’s in the hoosgow for mean Xweets, because you’re going to prison.

Owners of ninja swords will be paid a minimum of £5 to surrender their weapons – but only if they can prove they were bought before the end of March.

Some could even recoup the full value of the blades, if they can provide police with receipts as well as showing they were bought before a legal ban was announced.

The Government said on March 27 that the 14 to 24-inch weapons would be prohibited from Aug 1, as part of Ronan’s law, a package of anti-knife crime measures.

Ministers are legally obliged to run surrender schemes when proscribing weapons and have tightened the rules in an attempt to prevent the Home Office being scammed by people offloading swords bought after the ban was announced.

Owners who wish to remain anonymous will be able to leave their weapons in 37 Home Office-funded surrender bins and will not receive compensation.

Wave g’night, England.

They are well and truly lost.