Breaking up with the division industrial complex: A romantic comedy’s case for connection

Can a romantic comedy rip the band-aid off the political divisions infecting our personal relationships?

“The Elephant In the Room,” a new rom-com directed by Erik Bork and released last month, dares to ask that question.

Leah and Vincent are fictional, but their predicament is painfully real: We are told to filter people through a political litmus test before we ever share a meal or a laugh.

As Bork describes the film: “A lonely female progressive [Leah, played by Alyssa Limperis] in December 2020 meets a guy [Vincent, played by Sean Kleier] she might want to date. But he voted for President Trump twice, and that’s a deal-breaker. Or is it?”

Mixed marriage

Bork didn’t write “The Elephant In the Room” to change anyone’s political views. As he says, “I’m not an activist; I’m a comedy guy.” Whatever your politics, the film is very funny and well worth seeing.

But great art reflects what’s in the culture, and Bork’s film has its sights set squarely on one of the biggest divisions of our time. More and more of us are unwilling to even consider dating across party lines. According to a 2020 poll, 38% of Democrats and 38% of Republicans would feel “very upset” or “somewhat upset” at the prospect of their child marrying someone from the opposing political party.

And it’s not just parents; 60% of young Americans (ages 18-29) say it’s important to find a partner who shares their political views.

This prejudice is especially pronounced among college-educated single women, fully three-quarters of whom report that they would be less interested in dating someone who voted for Trump.

These numbers dwarf the opposition that we feel for dating across racial, ethnic, or religious lines. Politics is the last prejudice that most of us cling to.

The perception gap

One reason for these numbers is what More in Common — a nonprofit research group attempting to understand and address the root causes of political polarization — calls the “perception gap.”

We often have a caricature of people of the opposite party in our minds, and this caricature rarely reflects reality. For example, in polls, Democrats assume that only 51% of Republicans think racism is still a problem. In reality, 79% of Republicans think it’s a problem — a perception gap of 28 points.

“The Elephant in the Room” gets at this perception gap early. When Leah finds out that Vincent voted for Trump, she argues that white supremacists and homophobes would certainly have voted for Trump. Vincent rejoins, correctly, that not all Trump supporters are the same. Leah had a neo-Nazi in mind, but the reality was very different: Vincent is a down-to-earth line cook who supports gay marriage and doesn’t like Trump personally, but who voted for Trump because he opposes open borders.

RELATED: Can true love ‘Trump’ our political divide? Writer/director Erik Bork is optimistic.

Erik Bork

The division industrial complex

Another reason that we’re so divided is the division industrial complex: the powerful forces that profit from keeping us scared of and angry at our fellow Americans.

The division industrial complex is the political elites who rant for the cameras about how their opponents are destroying America while chumming it up in private; the fundraising groups that screech that the other team will fleece seniors and tear our country apart unless you’re willing to donate $5 today; the media companies that post misleading and fear-inducing headlines to try to attract the clicks and eyeballs that keep the lights on.

When we listen to the division industrial complex, we lose sight of reality. We start to see partisans on the other side not as fellow Americans who see the world differently than we do, but as enemies out to destroy everything we hold dear.

Chumming the waters

The dirty secret about the division industrial complex is that a lot of the biggest players don’t believe the fear and anger they’re selling. Politicians like Sens. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) and Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) might call their opponents fascists or communists when the cameras are rolling, but they’re warm and civil to each other behind closed doors.

This is even true of inter-party dating. Political insiders might get airtime by urging us to cut our friends and family across the aisle out of our lives, but many of them are happy to marry across the aisle. Famed political consultants James Carville (Democrat) and Mary Matalin (Republican) both practice trench warfare politics, but they make their cross-party marriage work despite that. If they think it’s all right to marry across the aisle, maybe there’s something the rest of us are missing.

Writing our own script

When we let the division industrial complex dictate who our political opponents are, we miss out on genuine friendships, meaningful relationships, and even peace of mind.

That is why a story like “The Elephant in the Room” matters. Leah and Vincent are fictional, but their predicament is painfully real: We are told to filter people through a political litmus test before we ever share a meal or a laugh. The film reminds us that we can write a different script.

Political differences will always create tension, and sometimes they will be deal-breakers. But let’s not allow the fear peddled by political elites to dominate our personal lives — we can stop letting the division industrial complex set the scene and instead take our cues from the people right in front of us.

When we choose conversation over dehumanization, the ending might surprise us, on screen and off.